i know of a very strong and patient woman.
looking at the bowl of vermicelli,
it was hardly touched for half an hour or so.
whatever that was kept within is all poured out.
she talked and talked non stop.
it feels like it has been so long since she really have got someone to talk to.
i felt the sadness, brokenness, desire etc in her words.
tears welled up in her eyes gradually when she slowly speaks of everything in details.
her eyes were red, so was her face.
i know, she tried very hard to hold back her tears.
she suffered in silence,
she put up with scoldings,
she put up with sarcasm,
she ignore the judgement,
she tolerate everything negative from the young, old everyone.
she doesn't has anyone to really talk to.
she put her whole heart into the family.
she sacrifices.
she supports whatever he does, be it right or wrong.
all she needs is the security, the trust.
the suspicion she has seemed to be overwhelming.
everything seemed so possible to be the truth, i agree.
what did he do?
did he really do anything or nothing at all?
no one knows, except for him.
i know, i could feel she loves him.
but i really don't know if he loves her still.
i couldn't feel anything.
i know she loves me,
i know he loves me.
but it definitely isn't enough to sustain everything.
it breaks my heart to hear all those things.
each time her eyes welled up with tears,
i don't know what to do at all.
my eyes turned away from her eyes,
looking at the passer-bys or just continue eating.
my heart is breaking.
i didn't know how to react.
i feel like crying,
but i can't.
i've to be strong.
i'm angry,
i'm angry with him.
but i don't know the facts at all.
and at the same time,
i couldn't bring myself to be angry with him.
because i love him,
and i know of all that he've done for me,
and is still doing.
each night he sat alone down there,
thinking and racking his brain to think of more ways to earn more.
despite being financially tight,
he gave whenever i ask for it,
he always tries to give me whatever i want.
i remember,
31Jan'09,
my birthday party.
he came up to me saying,
"you wanted to buy an ipod right? take this and buy it",
hanging over to me a red packet of $250.
i'm lost for words. i'm touched.
i remember each night
he would call and ask if i wanna supper,
i remember last night each night,
he would come into my room,
and cover my blanket for me.
i remember how we always kick each other's butt.
but ...
that's towards me,
what about her?
idk.
i couldn't forget what she said.
"he said i always sleep very early. but have he ever think that i'm always all alone at home. what else can i do? i've to cover everything, occupied myself by sleeping"
i felt so bad.
i'm such a bad girl.
despite that voice telling me that she's filled with loneliness,
i chose to brush it aside,
thinking it's just some random thoughts.
i've never spare a thought for her,
or for him...
she said,
"i'll just tolerate everything. and if one day i couldn't take it anymore, i would just leave quietly."
i remember a few years ago.
things were very bad.
i was holding the card then,
i was scare,
but i did it.
this time round,
it's me again.
the same fear,
but it's worse now.
i wanted to speak to him,
but i no longer know how to start.
it's awkward.
the moment i see him,
i just feel like crying.
tell me how.
things have improved throughout the years,
i thought.
but now,
i'm even more afraid than ever.
things seemed to be going on in silence.
i don't know a thing.
maybe, maybe things aren't that bad afterall.
even as i walked home with lam and cal just now,
all of us just listen to our own respective songs.
i thought through a lot, a lot.
a lot of thoughts on different things just run through my mind
i'm scare,
i'm upset,
i'm angry (?),
i'm lost,
i'm ..
idk.
dance.
there'll be a danzation freshie item going on in april.
yes, i'm dancing.
i thought i would be happy,
because initially i thought i lost the chance to dance that item after i backed out from danzation.
now the chance comes.
but idk what i'm feeling.
i'm scare ..
i'm ...
having mixed feelings ..
and it really sucks.
my own life.
sometimes i really feel like slapping myself.
sometimes i'm just so angry with myself.
sometimes i just really dunno what i really want.
it's going way down .. ??
it's when you feel you don't know who you can talk to,
it's when you feel everyone is so caught up with their own lives, problems,
it's when you wonder who really cares and bothers,
it's when you wonder who is really willing and interested to listen to you,
you know there's One there,
always listening as long as you speak.
he's a great man, she's a great woman.
both of them, i love.
P.S : something very personal. would really appreciate it if you keep it to yourself. thanks.
just dance,
gonna be okay
