and this particular past came flashing back. shoo, i want it to go away but it don't. it's not something glorifying. yes, i'm bad. my bad, i'm bad. crap, i'm feeling so terrible now. and things gonna turn upside down again after a short few days of peace. i dunno, i dunno what m i thinking now. i'm feeling so bad towards three perspectives(?).
just when i've let go of everything, and it seemed so far away,
it placed right in front of me again, everything unfolded again.
how nice is it. and adding on another issue.
| till death do us apart<3 | 3:34 AM :)
high on dancing!
29 November, 2008
i'm loving this so much! :D boa is such a good dancer! goodness, full of applause for her! and i'm really captivated by her this MV alright.
i dream one day i'll be a fantastic dancer like her too! :D
and of cause, i wanna be like the NRA seniors, all of them are great dancers! :D
alright. out with felicia to fareast to blinged our hair. haha. okay, it's pretty alright, just that my hair is short. hmmm. anyway, surprisingly yanto hiroki and calista were there too! :D been ages since i last met hiroki and yanto. nice nice! and yea, finally got my dress for the dinner tml. haha. thanks felicia! loveya! :D and of course, thanks evan for accompanying me for 2 days or more to just hunt for dresses, and thanks calista for accompanying too! (:
dinner at makansutra with my loveliest girls! yum yum, happiness! ((((: i'm looking forward to every friday's hangout. fridays are booked for each other alright! :D
anyway, it's a joy to be teaching other about your own love, own passion. and it's an encouragement definitely!
i'm amazed by calista. like really. she's so enthu in learning dance. the never-give-up spirit, the try-till-i-perfect-it spirit. it really encourages me a lot! she's not afraid of what others will say or anything, she just keep on practicing till she got it. good job girl! :D and one thing, i see a real life example within a day on "practice makes perfect". haha. within an hour or so, she keep practicing, and you can see improvement each time she dances! :D :D
and michng too! she wanna learn ripple, and she's doing good too! :D trying and practicing, asking and learning. awesome! :D
and i like the part where all of us are on our feet. haha. doing the turns, and bridges and things like that. oh oh, michlo knows how to do the dunno-what's-that-call thing! so cool can! you're fantastic man. teach me girl! :D
awww, i love it lah! who knows, maybe one day all of us will dance together? hahah. yes, the 5 of us - MN, evan, MichLo, Cal and R! :D
and and and! i finally gotten my dad to sign church camp form! :D heeeees. God is awesome!
i'm so gonna meet fel up and get her to teach me all the dance steps. Ney, quick quick! sunday uh! :D i can't wait to get on my feet and dance again! whoohooo. and know what, i can't wait for danzation to come, and the up-coming performances. because ... i wanna see them dance, and supporting them below the stage, and take part in next year productions! :D :D
dance is definitely a big love alright! <3
whenever i'm sad, happy, stressed, frustrated etc, after dancing, i feel good, i feel happy. yes, it's true! (:
so long since i last talked to kuku. hahaha. just now called her up and crapped a bit. okay, i know i'm like bombing her with my voice. haaha. oppps! (:
tml's dinner at some 4-5 stars hotel! whoohooo! gonna get into my newly bought black dress and heels. i pray for the foood to be nice. hahaha. since long i've eaten good food.
i forgot what else i wanna blog about ... -.-
anyway, i'm still feeling high about dancing! :D
and again, i can't wait for december to strike ..
| till death do us apart<3 | 2:08 AM :)
hair cut!
28 November, 2008
and so, renee got her hair chopped off. hahahaha. okay, not literally shop, but i do feel it's much shorter now. hrmmm. no comments for it. i dunno if it's nicer. shall see what my dearest ney and joce say tml! :D
alright. and i haven got my outfit for the dinner. it sucks. i hate hunting for things like that. =( so difficult. esp when you've got budget! like how to get with that amount of money. okok, stop whining. but tml's the last day of me finding. else, i dunno what to wear. =(
Dear God, please show me where to get.
oh! did i mention what i was doing while having my hair cut? hahaha. it's amazing. so, because i've got my hair cut at tony&guyACADEMY. note this: academy. and, it's some so unprofessional trainee cutting. if you know me, you know my hair means the whole to me. haha. of cos i would be scare right! i keep praying throughout. like really. even when the guy is washing my hair, i pray. when he cut each section, i prayed. all in all, i keep praying!
and this is what dekkai said, if my prayer life not good, i should go for a hair cut. hahahah. maybe? LOL. ok, crap.
anyway, it turns out pretty fine. haha.
and, i'm still upset about me putting on weight. hahahaha.
and, i can't wait to see my girls tml! friday hangouts! :D lovelove.
God, once again.
i know i ought to control.
i know this is definitely not an excuse.
would You once again forgive me, even though it's the dunno-how-many-times i'm asking You?
| till death do us apart<3 | 2:02 AM :)
Melancholy :(
27 November, 2008
Depressing. very depressing. very very very depressing.
first of all, i've gained weight. maybe because of the reasons i've gained muscles from NRA, but definitely also because of my intake of food! crap. i'm depressed. i can't believe my weight now! okay, it can't be disclosed. for the two who know, you guys keep zip up ok! else, i'll kill you. okay, i know i sound very not serious here. but you know, i'm very affected. like really?
as much as i know God don't mind my body, my weight, my height everything, but only my heart, BUT, i'm still upset. like duh. which girl won't?
this is an undesirable weight. crap.
second. i haven found a dress for this sat's dinner. okay, i know i'm troublesome, i'm picky. initially getting the dress from pearlyn's blog, but you know what, it's so freaking short! like really. it's even shorter than my normal shorts. what about the dress i wore for my birthday? it's perfectly fine for the function. but! now i find it tooooo revealing. like really. okay, it's surprising to hear this from me, RENEE. but, it's true. hahahaha. so yea, i'm still racking my brain to think of places of where to get a dress which is appropriate - not too short, not too revealing.
help me, God. left 2 days.
and i feel, there's a lot of things i'm depressed about. but i dunno what is it. hahaha. okay, someone slap me. lol.
okay okay okay, i know i know i know. someone or 2 person is going to say because i'm pms-ing. hahaha. but i do agree! =X
i need to learn how to control my emotions even during pms period of time. :D
| till death do us apart<3 | 12:12 AM :)
DVFX?
24 November, 2008
seeing how stressed up sam is now really scares me. i'm going to face it like in a year's time. i think the previous sam she's taking also kinda stress. how she go about saying it really make me dread of moving up to year 2. hahahaha. fyi, i think she's one that will study, can study one. at least better than me. so if she find it so stressful, what about me? BUT! thank God, i've got my Jesus. my beautiful Jesus. :D anyway, jiayou sam! :D (though i know she won't be seeing this) haha!
still, i never regret getting into DVFX.(:
God says,
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it's own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
hahahaha. the benefit of knowing bible verse! to counter! :D
thinking about it now. this week is kinda pack i suppose? not pack, but got activities. let me see.
tml - lesson from 9am to 5pm, prayer meeting from 730pm to i dunno what time.
wed - lesson from 2-6, maybe dinner with the people?
thurs - lesson from 9-5, celebrating kl's birthday?
fri - lesson from 9-11, (invitation cards, english svc, assignments?)
hmmmmm. okay, i know got a lot of question marks. hahaha. cos it's not sure yet!
maybe the time spend will be lesser and lesser.
ohwells.
i feel like eating ban mian, you mian! :D
my shoulder is giving me sharp pain. you know as i'm typing this, i don't dare to move my shoulder and my sitting posture? haha. only move my wrist. and! spinning headache. lalallaass
| till death do us apart<3 | 10:32 PM :)
1 Cor 13:4-7
23 November, 2008
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind
it does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
it is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
it always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres.
This is the true definition of LOVE.
when you say you love someone,
does all these exist?
(:
| till death do us apart<3 | 9:09 PM :)
Random.
hasn't stayed at home the whole day (like today) for quite some time already. yea, i feel lazy. haah. even lazy to step out to buy meals. alright, kill me. haha.
dec is approaching. yes, i'm excited! :D it gonna be a blast man! with all the upcoming events. hahaha. but nonetheless, there sure gonna be projects/assignments for the hols. but who cares about it now! hahaha
let me kinda list it out.
pastor daniel's birthday, MN's birthday, house party, wedding dinner, church camp, danzation, christmas bash, christmas dinner for svc 2 (?), meeting up with love ones, cal's birthday etc ..
okay, i can't remember everything. but roughly lah. hahaha.
anyway, i agree with what yaxin said today. (: and i can't wait for her return! :D
hahahaha. how sweet of her. go on diet for me cause come back gotta gain back. hahahaha. okay, i forgot the exact sentence she said. but yeaa. loveya girl!
people come, people go.
the true never leave,
and relationship never strain. (:
the fire that never burn out.
for You, Jesus.
| till death do us apart<3 | 8:54 PM :)
God says
Psalm 37:4-6
Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in Him and He will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday dawn.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For i know the plans i have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
Matthew 6:33
Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,
and all these things shall be added to you.
God ,
You above all men,
You above all things.
You reign in my life. (:
| till death do us apart<3 | 3:35 PM :)
19 November, 2008
i believe
all i need now is private time with You.
bring me to a place where there's only You and me.
i feel like slapping myself.
i'm not responding in a way that You would.
i'm not thinking the way that You would.
i'm not behaving in a way that You would.
O God, i'm sorry.
| till death do us apart<3 | 11:21 PM :)
[/edited]
you know, i'm actually very sick and tired of this.
if it's really so hard, i rather don't want anything .
sometimes it really feels like everything i do, i say also wrong.
just when i'm so certain about this, it gonna crash. how nice
it's not always about us (me),
God-centered i wanna be.
| till death do us apart<3 | 10:27 PM :)
stop trying to please others,
stop living under other's expectations.
it's tiring
stop, get out of it.
sarcasm can be hurting too, isn't it? it's not the first time or anything. ohwells, i dunno why am i affected too. to others, it might be just something small but yes, it does affect me. but talking about it too much might result in gossiping? i dunno. but but but, i feel like i needa get something off my chest!
the fear about this.
"you want it, yet you fear of it" this kinda feeling you know?
but thank God He's around.
seriously, i'm very interested about the job as a dancer. the one that weiqiang actually told me about. like, you get paid for going trainings/practices, u get to perform and it's actually something you like! how awesome is that. i mean, i wish i could get it lar. gonna start "scouting".
God, help me!
| till death do us apart<3 | 10:15 PM :)
don't ask. (:
18 November, 2008
i read something. and i'm feeling down, and my mind is making assumptions.
so what if it is, so what if it's not?
rah! lalalalals.
there's this strong surge of feeling within.
one day, will it happen?
*
finally got my specs done. alright, i know i'm troublesome in choosing specs and such. hahaha. but still thanks to my 3 lovelies - evan, calista and michlo for accompanying!
and szeting dardar, i love you! :D
| till death do us apart<3 | 11:09 PM :)
my dearest Jesus
You're the light that's beautiful. <3
how touched am i when i heard szeting dar said they initially going danzation is just to see me dance. the emphasis. thanks loves! (: i'm really really touched. you won't understand how touched i was, like really. (:
| till death do us apart<3 | 12:10 AM :)
A series of unhappy events
17 November, 2008
even as i watched through the 27 videos, tears welled up. i dunno. i dunno how to put it. i miss dance, every single day. but yet i can't go back for now. maybe yes, i can join them for practices. but formation is alr settled, i go back also dunno where to stand. plus, i believe if i continue going for now, all the more i wouldn't bear to let go. i miss dance, like really. i'm not brave. not brave, afterall.
i'm so touched when i received fel's message. she said stacy and her miss me in dance, and alexis asked if she's lonely without me, she said yes. how sweet of them. (: sorry ney. but i watched the video. you're doing real good! really. (: i'll be there to support. love you!
yes, i might be over sensitive or whatsoever. yes, no deny i'm affected by the words, the facial expression. but maybe not so much after that. i'm kinda .. i dunno. so much so, for the moment i felt like it doesn't matter if it will come to pass. it seemed so hard to be a "good role model". i find it alright, i dunno even this is not "acceptable". i'm learning too. this has always been an issue, everyone knows that. i'm improving, i'm learning.
i think i've decided. i think i'm gonna take it off soon. why others' can be so perfectly healed but not mine. dad's not gonna spon me for this, for sure. i've got no money to get a new one. so yea. forget it. as much as i really love it..
it feels so scary walking alone through the dark lane. alone in the whole stretch of road. suddenly there'll be ppl behind. so dark that you dunno who is that. or maybe there'll be ppl in front, walking in opposite direction, again too dark to see. each time, memories of that faithful day will just come. it has been 6 years. the fear is just within.
take away the fear, Lord.
i know You're with me throughout.
i felt so weird throughout the whole day ..
*
For every tear i cry, You hold in Your hand
comfort me, O Lord
right here in this room
You see what's going on in my mind, my heart.
You know my desires
You know my heart cries
You feel my brokenness
Dig to the bottom, O Lord
let nothing not of You stay within me
be it unhappiness, sorrows, whatever.
flood me with Your joy
whenever i look up to You
You're always there.
| till death do us apart<3 | 12:13 AM :)
hello.
14 November, 2008
i'll not regret, i'm sure. there's still other opportunities.
Daddy, i'm coming with a heart of expectancy, to seek You and to find You. i'm praying for another breakthrough. All i want is to see Your face.
yes, i delayed in texting orange, becca and mia. yes, i can't bear to let go of danzation. yes, my tears dropped when i texted them. but it's for Him. (: it'll be worth it, i believe.
God, i thank You for sis eveline. she's so nice. i really appreciate her a lot a lot, for taking time to do the book with me. really. Lord, You're so nice and sweet to place those people in my life. i.e bro andrew, sis eve, felicia and girls, my loveliest girlies, cell, etc. thank You, Lord.
i'm glad i'm here. (:
Jesus, You look deep into my heart.
You know my heart desires.
Jesus, You love me this much. so much that i can never comprehend.
take my whole life, O Lord
to just serve You. use me, Lord.
| till death do us apart<3 | 12:23 AM :)
for You, Lord
12 November, 2008
i made a promise to You, i'm gonna keep my words.
because all i wanna do is honour You. (:
| till death do us apart<3 | 12:25 AM :)
Lead me.
10 November, 2008
God, i'm waiting for You here. right here in this room. i dunno why, but i'm in such a dilemma.
danzation, YI camp, christmas bash. all matter so much to me.
God, i remember the joy i had when i got into NRA. i remember me jumping, dancing with joy, thanking You. i remember me telling You i'll dance for You, in every performance. i remember me relying, seeking You so much in every practices. i remember me telling You how stressed, how scare i was. i remember the joy i had each time i finish the practices. i remember You were with me everytime i call upon Your name. i remember You teaching me so much through this.
God, i do remember telling You, if danzation is to clashed with YI camp or whatever, i'll give danzation up. cause it's You who helped me in. else, i would still be cca-less.
God, i talked about this and asked before. Gideon pointed out, is it a trap or is it a door? would God actually help me get in, and yet allows everything to clash? but still, God made a way in me able to go for night sessions. Andrew said, since i said through NRA God actually taught me how to rely on Him, den i've gotta prioritize. pray. Eve said, it might not necessary be the case that God wants me to go YI camp (though it's like common sense to me), but bring it to God, ask Him to show. and it reminded me not to use my mind and think what God would wants. there's a lot of possibilities. it might not always go thru the "logic" way.
God, like what grace told me. every performance, every experience means a lot to a performer. i agree. every performance means a lot a lot to me. but God, You know Your business means so much more to me. yes, i do agree that when i'm talking to gideon, and the thought of me giving up danzation, my very first performance in NP, my very first performance ever since sec4 SYF, i'm sad. i feel like crying. i cried. after a few months of practices, and one more month to danzation, i'm in a dilemma. but God, i wanna obey. i wanna go where You want me to go. if You wanna me give up danzation, i will. just a word from You, Lord, whatever it is. really.
God, You know my desires. You see this heart. You know the reasons why these tears are falling. God You know it all. i'm waiting for You, Lord. as long as it pleases You. i need Your directions so badly.
Lead me, Lord.
| till death do us apart<3 | 11:21 PM :)
rah rah
i wanna blog now! but i'm so tired alr. and it's almost 2am, and i've got sch at 8am tml! just finish ISSUES reflection, and i need to go through the slides. ahhhhh. i'm nervous about the presentation tml. okay, it sounds stupid. but yeaaa, my class is filled with mass commers okay. of cos stressed lah! hahaha. whatever.
i'll blog about what i truly wanna blog tml! (: or rather, later. haaa.
anyway, i've got a pure fun nice day! :D lovelove!
| till death do us apart<3 | 1:49 AM :)
wtv
09 November, 2008
[/edited]
some things just get me so frustrated. like really.
i just hate it can.
R: haha. are you going to ask me that everyweek? lol.
?: maybe
R: why?
-no reply-
no double life. no way.
godliness is what i'm pursuing. Yes Lord, because i love You. (:
self-control. i'm not gonna allow the wild side to take control.
i wanna please You with my life, Lord. every single day.
God, You know how i'm feeling towards every single issue. help me, O Lord.
I need You. the feelings, the thoughts, the emotions etc ..
| till death do us apart<3 | 12:54 AM :)
Blessed.
08 November, 2008
You've done it all, Lord. (:
because of You.
i'm so disturbed by the "church of satan" videos on evan's blog. and i heard some of calista too, about the satanic bible or something. how amusing. it clearly shown God and satan is really TOTALLY opposite. it's just like LOVE VS HATE. ahhh, whatever.
anyway, i'm glad, i'm blessed to know Jesus. (:
there's a lot of times i failed, but still i'm caught in Your mercy. How great You are, O Lord. beyond words, beyond actions can describe. You know me inside out, You know what i'm thinking, how i'm feeling, and everything that's inside outside of me, even without me speaking a word.
Beautiful Jesus, i love You.
Your grace is enough.
You know my heart desires, Lord.
| till death do us apart<3 | 12:47 AM :)
Random.
06 November, 2008
Time flies. fly like nobody's business.
just a blink of eyes, it's already december. it feels like school just starting 2 months ago. it feels like i know felicia, doreen, jocelyn and hannah just 2 months ago. but of course, we're closer now. (: and i really wanna thank God for these 4 girls. ever so caring, helpful, thoughtful, considerate, nice, crappy! (:
i can't wait. one more month. yes yes yes. i'm not gonna think about "what if". there's a lot of questions, but yea, faith. faith faith faith. if this is where He wants me to go, everything will fall in place. excited, definitely! (:
it feels like so long since i last hang out with my lovely girls. hmmm, i miss you girls, babes. it seemed so long since LLL last hanged out together too. they're sooooo missed!
assignments assignments, projects projects. lalalas. no more of individual work like last sem. awwww. but somehow, it's fun working with people too! :D
i dunno what to blog, seriously.
NRA's danzation approaching, YI camp approaching, Christmas bash approaching. so many many many things! oh yes, it mean, HOLS is approaching once again! hahahahahahahah. opps.
i just can't wait to get a ipod! nano? hahahaha. i feel like sleeping now, okay that's random. this is a random post, actually. you see, there's no fixed topic.
tml location production shooting. God, please be with me, help me through. i need You so badly.
thanks calista and evan for even hearing me out today about the beyond-words-stress during dance yesterday. thanks for hearing me out. (: really really appreciate it. i mean, i was feeling so terrible at that time. and though one day has passed, but it's still haunting me. and your listening ears are here. (:
God, You know it. You know exactly how i feel. You know it. beyond words.
Lord, You know how much i feel like crying the moment i sit down. You know how discouraged, disappointed, upset i was. You know how hard i was trying too. the atmosphere throughout is just so scary. i dunno how to express it out so that everything can be said in words. i just know throughout that half an hour or so i feel like giving up. i felt so scare, so stressed, so nervous etc. i felt that i just can't do it, can't do it at all. left 5 weeks? what am i supposed to do? even if i wanna practice, where? my room, can't. too small, no mirrors. dunno where to book studio, even if have, it's so ex. there's just so much feelings stirring within. yes God, i'm worried, i'm scare. i wanna do it well. and Lord, i know only You can help me. help me, Lord. i feel like giving it up, but it seemed like You're telling me to hang on there. i dunno. Lord, i need You. really. seriously. badly. desperately.
God, take control of my heart. i'm giving it to You, or rather, i've gave it to You. i'm Yours, wholly.
i just need a word from You. i wanna obey. (:
Lord, i pray for Your love and joy to overflow in calista's, evan's, michng's, michlo's lives. i pray that Your presence will be with them wherever they go. i pray that every day You'll teach them something new. Daddy, i really really really really thank You for them. like really! i'm so blessed. they're sucha sweet angels in my life! You've blessed me so much by putting them in my life, Lord. even though there're times where unhappiness occurs between the group, but it's Your love that binds us together. Lord, what more can i say. You're so sweet, Jesus. thank You, Lord. thank You. God, i pray for Your blessings to be upon each and everyone of them, Lord. In Jesus' name, AMEN. (:
when the world fades away, Your light's still shining bright. (:
thank You for that star, Lord. (:
| till death do us apart<3 | 12:30 AM :)
Secured?
01 November, 2008
wooohoooo~ i'm back.
okay, because i finally gain back my strength.
yea yea, i guess everyone who know of this blog, know that i'm down past 3 days.
high fever (38.8, 39.1, 39.3, 36.6, 38.6, 36.4), sore throat, severe headache, cough. lalalas. yes, i felt v v v weak, felt like i can just faint or die anytime. so much so, i'm so afraid when i sleep, i can never wake up again. hahahaha.
went for a x-ray for my heart today after lesson. will only know the report next wed, supposingly.
it's how amazing, my fever went from 38.6 to 36.4 just right after i finish QT. people, you know it cant be coincidence right? (: you get what i mean. and now, for rather for the past half of the day i'm feeling sooooooo much better. no longer as dead as ytd or two days back. what's left is only a slight headache, sore throat and cough! (: but still, thank God!
actually, this 3 days of illness etc got me realize a lot of things. like, if i were to die the next moment, where will i end up at? m i really secured in heaven? - not in the sense of faith, but is my r/s with God, and my own life leading me to Home, or the other place. to be frank, i was afraid. yes i do. like i mentioned, i'm feeling so weak, so sick till the extent i feel i wont be able to breathe the next morning air. but still, i managed. thank God, definitely. (:
back to the point, anyway, from all these, it actually push me on to establish a even more genuine r/s with God, and leading a life with Him. you know, you and i wont wanna live a life without God, be it earthly or eternally. (:
thanks guys for the prayers, seriously. appreciated it a lot a lot!
thanks felicia NEY for the care, love, concern, hug, prayers and helping me to buy drinks! loveyou, sweets!
thanks evan for the double nights care, concern, efforts etc. i just couldn't express how i feel lar, and i bet you're a great helper to my mum! sweets!(:
thanks kuku for the concern, the sms-es, and that short lil fierce-sweet message. though it sounds rather fierce, but i feel your care. you're forever so sweet and caring! you're loved!(:
thanks gideon for the online care. unexpected, seriously. (:
thanks michng for the calls and concern, care, love. your love for ppl never ceased! loves!(:
thanks michlo for the visit, company. very nice & sweet of you! i still feel funny whenever i recall you cooking maggie! loves! :D
& of cos thanks cal darling for the sms-es & the dedicated post. it really touched and warmed my heart. i feel a lot from there, like seriously. you've never say such things before. (chessy i know! hahaha) i felt v loved, really. words can't express! hearts darling! (:
&&&
OF COS,
BIG BIG THANKS TO MY DOCTOR J.
You're my healer, Lord. (:
a simple, short, nice, pleasant lovely hangout at holland v with my 3 loves! <3
though it's simple, but it's filled with craps and laughters, isn't it? for me, i felt so! :D
